They Keep Getting Crazier

This has been a weird, angry week in America. And it’s only Wednesday.

After shredding the Oval Office, heard shouting “I’ll waterboard those spooks if it’s the last thing I do,” tossing lamps and framed pictures against the walls, President Bush dragged himself in front of the press and declared, in his own words, (these are mine), “Any nation that wishes to produce or possess a nuclear weapon in the future should be bombed and invaded and retrofitted to protect us. The recent report that Iran does not have a nuclear weapons program is exactly what I’ve been saying all along. They want to have one, which makes them the most dangerous and immoral pack of blood-thirsty terrorists in the history of the world. And by the way, I’m an incurious idiot convinced that the only people dumber than me are you, American Citizens, which gives me license to lie, twist and deceive you as long as it allows my infallible, all-knowing handlers, Dick and Josh, as well as my equity shareholders, the Oil Lobby, the Wealthy Pricks for Tax Fairness, the NRA and the Coalition for Raping our Natural Resources, to do whatever will enrich them and their CEO buddies. After all, we know that CEOs are the most important people around. If you’re not a CEO, then you’re a lazy communist who doesn't deserve to vote, much less live, unless you live to serve the CEO class, carrying their golf clubs, polishing their Bentleys, mowing their lawns, and so forth. Heck, if we prevent CEOs from trading in their ninety-foot yachts and buying the hundred-and-forty-foot models, they might lose face with their international peers, which would be your fault entirely. So I say again, bomb Iran, believe everything I say, and kiss the feet of any God-like CEO you might be lucky enough to meet before you disappear forever into a secret prison.”

Meanwhile, Presidential Candidate Mike Huckabee bristled at the question asked by so many reporters, “Do you not believe in evolution?” Standing, looking toward heaven and lifting his arms in a grand, celestial arc, Huckabee replied, “Like any true Christian believer, I know the mind of the bearded man who created the Universe and now sits on a cloud, watching our every move, keeping track of who has been naughty or nice. Ignoring the horrible collision occurring in the Praxis constellation, and despite the murderous rampages of the Janjaweed in Darfur, I know God is very concerned that if we allow certain microscopic Stem Cells to be used to cure disease and decrease suffering, our race will soon be worshipping Satan, dancing naked under the full moon, having sex with multiple partners and taking His glorious name in vain. Further, He is concerned that we, his special children, have allowed our minds to be corrupted by the maggot infested, hunchbacked scientists and polluted by their logic and testing and reason and common sense. God has often whispered into my ear, ‘I made the Earth six-thousand-thirty-six years ago, just for you, my worshipers, to rape and pillage as you please, as long as the only people you kill, molest, enslave or ignore are non-Christians. And just use your eyes—it is flat. Duh.’ This I say unto you.”

You can’t make this stuff up.

- JT Compton
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